My Arch Enemy

“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” – President Abraham Lincoln

Funny how the human brain works.

After feeling on top of the world yesterday, Christmas Day, looking back on the blessings and joys of the year to date and just enjoying the festive day, I did something terrible, something I can’t take back, something that has been attacking my soul ever since.

I did not run. 

For you loyal and fitastic followers I have, you know that I have been participating in Holiday Streaking. Runners World’s “The Newbie Chronicles”, inspired me to complete a Holiday Streak that went from Thanksgiving to New Years Day — to run everyday, at least a mile. That is 34 days of running straight. 

Why did I chose to do this? I realized that was a question I didn’t really think about having an answer for until my beloved yoga teacher asked me, “what my intention was”, something she always asks her students to think about before class. I thought I’d have a clear answer, but I really didn’t. I knew I wanted a new goal and to prepare myself for training my next race. Of course, preparing yourself for training essentially means giving yourself rest days and time to recover. No no, my intention was pretty simple.

I wanted to make sure my fat ass didn’t gain weight in the most glutenous month of the year. 

See what I did there? Editors note: Often when I’m writing these blogs I got through multiple drafts and type what my brain is really thinking immediately and then re-read and realize how annoyingly self deprecating I’m being and edit accordingly. However, for purposes of this post I’m keeping it in.

Let me explain. 

My brain, like many others is my arch enemy. I find myself undervaluing the accomplishments I make on a regular basis and when, as it goes with runners, my body gives up on me, my brain punishes me. I keep thinking over and over about how I failed. How if I can’t do this, I can’t do anything right in life. I’m not reaching anywhere near my potential. I’m fat. My thighs are gigantic. My skin sucks. 

You get the point. 

So, when I started getting shin splints and pain in my left knee last week, I pushed myself through. I had to finish this streak, I wasn’t even thinking of the long term damage I might have been causing myself, that would essentially do the opposite of what I thought my initial intention was, to prepare me for training. 

Of course Steve told me to stop and I was being silly to keep going, but one of the many reasons we get along so well is he just knows I’m stubborn as all get out and knows I’ll do it anyway so he doesn’t push the issue. 

Christmas Day, after spending too many hours playing with my new toys and spending time with family, the day got away from me and I ended the streak.

I might have gone out at 9PM in 20 degree weather through the streets of Brooklyn with my ankles that have been swollen for days and my aching shins, but I didn’t. I, unfortunately, did not finish the Holiday Streak. 

It sucked, it kind of ruined the end of my Christmas, if I’m really honest. 

Which is why I’m sharing this story with you.

Why oh why do we beat ourselves up? This is not something that does not specifically effects runners of fitness freaks. It seems to be an accepted part of everyone’s life. To compare yourself to others and strive to an often unattainable goal which, when obviously unachieved we beat ourselves up?! 

Please, if someone has an answer, I urge you to let me know!

If I could come up with a solution, which is what I am currently trying to do, I would say that we can start to train your brain to remember just how dope you are. It’s not going to be easy, but I truly believe its possible. 

Tomorrow, I will be joining friends in a house upstate to free myself from this increasingly tough (mental, physical, emotional) to live in city, and be in nature in the beautiful Catskill Mountains. Good beer, awesome friends, to die for food options and, the best damn running trails I have ever been on. 

It’s going to be great, but you know what? I’m going to practice really hard to not let my brain win if I chose not to run, which given my current status may not happen at all. I am going to do my best not to be hard on myself, myself  who has achieved a lot recently and can continue to achieve, but perhaps not at everything. 

I sincerely hope that all of you reading have some time off for the remainder of this holiday season. I encourage you not to beat yourself up if you can’t be perfect, or maybe even if the jeans are fitting a little too snug. You know you’ll get back on that horse, it happens, life can pass you by in an instant and there’s no real point in fitting into that tiny dress if it means you being in a hospital or worse.

I’ll give it my best effort, how ’bout you?!